Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.