Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

Breakfast in bed.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no