Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”