My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
@funTweeters
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.