My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Owl Sanctuary
