My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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Revenge served cold
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Good morning!
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Rather alarming headline…
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…