Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.