Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

three things we don’t talk about

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation