Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

23. the denim jacket

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

incredible book dedication