Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

I saw nothing

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

tfw you realize …

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro