Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still