My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
