My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
