My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Actually cracking up @ this
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
