My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.