My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
buys donuts instead
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The news in a nutshell.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix