Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Ain’t no way

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Yep.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am