My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
