My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Take care of yourself, ladies
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I have two kinds of followers
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
