My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Grandpa
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
you stereotypes are all alike
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
even bears disappoint their mothers
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
