My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Shower sex be like:
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.