My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?