Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.