My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
imagine getting destroyed like this
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
they split up moments later
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.