My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I think I’m having a stroke
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.