My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
You Might Also Like
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I feel it
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”