Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Thank heavens for community notes

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”