My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
You Might Also Like
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.