My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”