Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

No Google it does not

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa