My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.