My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.