My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN