My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Rude much 😂😂😂
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”