My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
You Might Also Like
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.