Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.