Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*