My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.