My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.