Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*