My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
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My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
i- i did not expect this
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.