My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
There is no “we” in pizza
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
How do I get a job writing these texts
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌