Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I did not eat the cake…

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs