My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
japanese corn
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.