My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.