My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
You Might Also Like
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
God tier horse name today on the sims
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
dutch is not a serious language
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?