My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know