My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?