My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.