My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I’m giving up ice.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.