Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here