@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

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@OkieGirl405

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

@SequelsWeWant

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

@Reverend_Scott

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

@TheSharona06

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

@bugspunny1

Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
Husband: Que

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@TheOnlyMommaG

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

@TheHyyyype

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital