Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.