Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Krampus.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.