My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.