My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?