Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
You Might Also Like
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Finally!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right