My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*


modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”


Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only


I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.


Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower.

Mine is Crankshaft Tulip


[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.