WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist