My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
