My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
