My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
