My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
