My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.