My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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