First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.