[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.