Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.