My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.