My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.