My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.