Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no