Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.