Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

I’ve been lied to my entire life

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

i want enemies

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends