My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
