My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes