My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40